Kiki Kerasine

I thought that when I’d opened my heart up to someone that it was that person I was opening up to. Turns out I wasn’t. I somehow opened my heart to someone else and everything about him made me feel brighter. He made me feels beautiful, he made me feel special, he made me feel like someone could really Love me. It’s been a week and I’m still crying. It’s been a week and just trying to not think about him makes everything worse and breaks my heart. I wish that goodbyes weren’t so hard. I wish that the distance wasn’t so far. I never thought I’d meet someone that would ever amount to being such a perfect fit into the space that was left by another. I can’t believe that you mean this much to me and that I have to put a new stitch over that hole. 

A friendship is so worth so many things. I wouldn’t trade meeting you for anything in this world. The only thing I would have ever taken back would be living and dating the one person who was so wrong for me just to have more time with you. I understand it isn’t really goodbye, but I still hurt. I will be honest, I Love you. I Love you with all my heart and soul and wish that I had the guts to tell you to your face that every time I see you smile it gives me bats and that every time you hug me I don’t want to let go. I wish I could tell you that no matter what was to happen that I’ll always Love and cherish you and that even though things have hurt you I will always be here to offer my hand and give you a kiss.

Whenever you need me I’ll always be sitting right here on the steps holding a sketchbook and daydreaming about nothing. I’ll always open my arms to you and never leave you behind. To be true and honest, I Love you more than anyone.

My Time is Borrowed

It’s taken a long time to wake up and see how far I’ve come. It’s taken so long to realize how beautiful I am and what I have accomplished. There are very few people that I give more Love to than others. A few of them have already left and one is soon to be leaving. Looking back at the photos and realizing that I really wasn’t just some annoying girl. I’m worth so much more than I give myself credit for but I never see it. Until now, I haven’t seen how much I’ve hurt me more than anyone. I haven’t felt so strong or so free as I do now. Right now as I write and think through all of these things, I cry tears not of sorrow or pain or hurt. No, I’m crying tears of strength and relief. 

When I look at the art I compose I sometimes wonde why it makes me so happy but at the same time breaks my heart. So many unfinished things that just sit collecting dust and growing older. My soul matches those pieces falling into a base of darkness. Why do I keep putting myself through this? This time it’s back to me I’m done.

Fuuuuuuuuuuu-!

I don’t feel right. What has come over me, I’m about to lose my mind. I never really ever know what to say, when all of my emotions get in the way. I’m just trying to get us on the same page. I always get it better right afterward when all the wrong impressions are said and heard. How come I can never get the right words, I need to convey? Wish I could explain..

Sometimes as people we don’t think about what we are doing or what we say. Our emotions get in the way and we make things worse than they really are. Then other times we only blame ourselves because we don’t know who else to blame. Maybe he was right that I’m only drama and that no one needs a dumb drama risen cunt like me. I’m tired or everytime I find new friends give it a week and I fuck it up again because I had to be stupid. Why is it that everytime I have to do it worse. I cried again and I just wanted to run. Every time I run faster and harder and every time I hurt myself and everyone else more. Sometimes I wish I were dead. Without me around then maybe more tears would be saved. A broken heart and a sodden face all over a stupid emotion I didn’t want. It takes a boot to the head from god to just realize how damn stupid I’ve been. Again I’m sitting here listening to tears because I had to be stupid and over analyze again. Fuck. Why do I do this? This time I’m done. This time I’m going to leave and not cone back. A simpler life with no means to hurt anyone may be my best bet.

Do you ever just look at yourself and want to just beat the living shit out of you? So many times in the past few months I have. I told myself I was going to stop this nonsense but guess not. I did it again and I’m probably going to lock myself away again. Why the fuck do I have to care so damn much and like guys so fucking fast?! I hate my heart because it’s so damn big and I can’t help how fast I fall and how much it hurts. The tears burn so bad this time and I wish I could just stop caring. It only hurts me in the end every time.

When Somebody Loves you

Do you ever sit and just think about all the things you could be doing but always have one thought cut through? Lately I’ve noticed that there is one thing that makes me smile, even in my sleep. That one person makes me feel different and pushes me to be better. He makes things better just by being there. I don’t know how to describe exactly what he makes me feel like. I just know that I don’t want to let go ever. 

I’ve upped my health tactics because something about him has let me know that I am special and that I can’t just let it all go. I honestly don’t know how he feels about me but he must care if he wants me to be my best. I find myself waking up happier and smiling till my face hurts because I feel that there is someone who cares for me. He told me at one time that he is nothing special but I disagree. He is important to me and I Love everything about him that I have so far learned.

Sometimes I wonder if I make him feel any certain way or if I’m just another girl but I figure he trusted me enough maybe I’m not. Maybe I am something special. Despite my mistakes in the past w/guys and trying to hard, I want this one to come naturally and I must say I like it this way. The great Sinatra’s music seems to have even more meaning than before. I want my very own ‘More’ and ‘When Somebody Loves you’ by Frank Sinatra. I want that feeling that he cares and wants me. That he doesn’t want me to go and that when he leaves me he wants more and that the last kiss goodbye until next time makes him smile. I want to make him feel Loved and wanted. I want to give him that feeling that someone is always there for him that he can tell anything to. That he can tell me things and I will always listen full heartily.

Sometimes I wonder if he watches me daydream and wonder what I’m thinking or if I’m just lost. Maybe he watches me sleep. One could only dream  of what they want the other to think and dream. The only true sentiment is that of when he holds me and he feels happy. I wonder if he even knows that I truly am this happy to be his.

Not sure if I’ve mentioned this or not but I am seriously so happy. He said to me today that he is nothing special. To me that is crap because he’s obviously special to me seeing as he’s my boyfriend. I’m glad that things have worked in the way that they have and I’m so happy to be w/him. Spending time w/my sister has been pretty amazing too. The two most important people to me are always by my side lately it seems. I feel better and my body doesn’t ache anymore. Peradventure this is the beginning of something amazing.