How do you know when it’s time to stop loving someone?
When the day that they left was the first time in your life that you actually felt something stronger than life pulling you to your knees. I loved a man once and I let him go. It hurt when he left but no where near this. I knew I’d see him again, even know how much he loved me. This time, it’s scary.
I haven’t felt like myself since he left. It’s like a big piece of me fell and hit the grass when he hugged me that last time. Like a part of me knew that he was that important that it had to let go. When we pulled away I couldn’t stop staring at him until he was out of sight. It felt like the end of a chapter I never wanted to let go. I miss his voice. I miss his stories. I miss seeing him smile.
He gave me something that nothing or no one has before. Hope. He gave me hope in everything. He made me see the magic in life and breathe in it’s fire. His embrace made me feel safe and alive. Even though we were just friends, I’ve never felt anything like this before. Something so beautiful that letting it go, a part of me died along with it.
In my heart the memories are alive and fleeting. I feel like such a coward never telling him what he meant to me. I wish I had taken the time if nothing else but to say that he made me want to believe. I felt so much happiness and freedom with him. He gave me more than what I could have ever asked for or even deserved.
Everyday is like walking through a frozen forest. The tall branches raising up to touch the grey skies, white crystals glistening off of them. The air thick with chill and silence. Nothing ever happening, everything the same lost path. I still have dreams of memories and wake up feeling empty with unshed tears. I get bats in my stomach at his touch. When I open my eyes I’m back in that forest feeling the same as I did, that night. That night that I knew tomorrow was goodbye.
The pain is still there almost as fresh as that last touch. My hands run cold even on the warmest days, since then. I tried moving on but none are the same. The feelings are never there. My heart cries for the one person who gave my life that spark to feel alive. The only one thing that has ever inspired me this much to better myself and just bring out all of the brightness in me that I never knew even existed.
My dreams seem real instead of impractical. I wish there were someone in this world I could do the same for. To inspire and give hope to. I’ve never met such a beautiful person that just cared and ran free in this forest. He ran so handsomely through those frozen trees, smiling with each step. Pushing past each barrier. Perhaps inside he was fighting with demons of pain or sorrow. He never let them out though. I would give anything to kiss him one last time and tell him that he made this lost path light up with the way out. That he opened my heart when things were as low as they were that when he held his hand out to me, I ran through those trees of pain, suffering, and heartache to the promise of love and friendship he offered. That he gave me new hope to run away from that awful and reach out to finally grab onto his hand, so far away.
My heart re-awoke to the warmth of the call. My eyes opened to find a benevolent hand reaching out from those trees. The smile beamed and made kind promises. I wanted nothing more then to run to that hand. My heart finally pushed hard enough to pull me free of that prison and hold me. The distance finally closed and I felt nothing but his embrace. That prison collapsed in on itself and my heart held onto that bond. The day he left a piece of that bond fell to hit the ground. My tears burned and I couldn’t stop. He doesn’t know what he did for me. He doesn’t know the door he opened to realizing how beautiful I am and how free I deserve to be. My chains began to break the first time he opened that embrace until the last one when I was free. The pain I feel now is only of loss. To hear him laugh would be one of the greatest gifts I could ask for.
Now, standing alone in these frozen trees, I walk each step looking for that missing piece. Knowing that even in his absence, I am happy. I am me and no one can change that. The missing piece will be found and my heart will heal again. The bond between us will always be there and I will always be greatful to him for the peace he gave me. He gave me something to hold on to.